Why Do We Abandon Ourselves? Understanding Self-Abandonment and How to Come Home to Yourself

What is Self-Abandonment?

Self-abandonment is an invisible wound many of us carry. It’s not just about neglecting self-care or losing sight of your goals. It’s deeper it’s the quiet, gradual habit of disconnecting from your own needs, desires, boundaries, and truth to maintain relationships, gain approval, avoid rejection, or escape discomfort.

Self Abandonment looks like...

Over time, self-abandonment leaves you feeling:

• Lost in your decisions

• Disconnected from your emotions

• Trapped in people-pleasing cycles

• Ashamed of your own needs

• Exhausted from chasing external validation

What Does Self-Abandonment Look Like?

It shows up in small, everyday betrayals of the self:

• Saying “yes” when you ache to say “no.”

• Silencing your truth because you fear conflict.

• Staying in spaces where your worth is minimized.

• Ignoring your gut feelings in favor of being liked.

• Overriding exhaustion, sadness, or hunger because you “should” push through.

These patterns don’t happen randomly. They often grow from attachment wounds, trauma, societal conditioning, and survival strategies learned in childhood.

Psychological Roots of Self-Abandonment

🔸 Attachment Theory (Levine & Heller, Attached)

Those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles often abandon themselves first to secure closeness or avoid rejection. The belief becomes: If I mold myself into what others need, I’ll be loved.

🔸 The Inner Critic (Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection)

Shame and perfectionism fuel self-abandonment. When you believe you’re “not enough,” you trade authenticity for acceptance, silencing your inner truth to maintain connection.

🔸 The Wild Self Lost (Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run with the Wolves)

Cultural conditioning tames and diminishes the wild, instinctual self teaching women especially to abandon their needs, intuition, and bodies to fit roles and expectations.

🔸 Trauma’s Impact (Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score)

Trauma disconnects us from our bodies and inner truth. In traumatic environments, self-abandonment becomes a survival strategy: stay silent, stay small, stay invisible to stay safe.

Quotes That Speak to This Painful Truth

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” Unknown

“When you abandon yourself to please others, you betray the only person who’s truly yours.” Inspired by Harriet Lerner

“The body always knows when it’s been silenced.” Bessel van der Kolk

“The moment you stop betraying yourself is the moment you stop needing others to approve of you.” Glennon Doyle, Untamed

Why Is This So Common?

We are conditioned to believe:

• Being “good” means prioritizing others.

• Our needs are less important.

• Love must be earned through sacrifice.

• Discomfort or conflict must be avoided at all costs.

For many, self-abandonment was once a strategy for survival in families where emotions weren’t safe, in cultures where compliance was expected, in relationships where silence protected from harm.

But what keeps us safe as children wounds us as adults.

Signs You May Be Abandoning Yourself

• Chronic indecisiveness

• Feeling invisible or unheard

• Overthinking small interactions

• Fearing disapproval more than disconnection from self

• Numbing with food, scrolling, work, or substances

• Apologizing for existing needs or feelings

• Suppressing anger, grief, or joy

The Cost of Self-Abandonment

Over time, the cost is steep:

• Loss of self-trust

• Resentment towards others and yourself

• Anxiety, burnout, emotional numbness

• Relationships built on pleasing, not honesty

• A life lived for others, not yourself

Coming Home to Yourself

Healing from self-abandonment isn’t about blaming yourself for how you learned to survive. It’s about learning how to choose yourself now, even in small ways.

How to Begin:

1. Notice when you override your own needs or feelings.

2. Pause. Ask: Whose approval am I chasing? Who am I afraid to upset?

3. Validate: My needs are valid, even if others don’t like them.

4. Practice small truths: Saying “no,” honoring rest, asking “What do I want?”

5. Reclaim your body: Move, breathe, feel what arises let it exist.

6. Reconnect with your wild, wise self: The part of you that knows how to choose you.

Books That Can Help You Heal from Self-Abandonment

The Dance of Intimacy  Harriet Lerner

A classic on how women lose themselves in relationships and how to reclaim authentic self-expression.

Attached  Amir Levine & Rachel Heller

Helps identify how attachment patterns lead to abandoning yourself to secure others’ affection.

Women Who Run with the Wolves  Clarissa Pinkola Estés

A powerful reclaiming of the lost instinctual, wild self and how society teaches us to forget who we are.

The Gifts of Imperfection  Brené Brown

On letting go of perfectionism, shame, and the need for external validation to embrace authenticity.

Untamed  Glennon Doyle

A modern guide to breaking free from cultural and relational conditioning to trust your inner knowing.

The Body Keeps the Score  Bessel van der Kolk

Essential for understanding how trauma leads to self-disconnection and how to begin healing.

“The self you are searching for is not gone. She is waiting where you last left her unheard, unseen, but still whole.”

You don’t have to abandon yourself to be loved. You don’t have to shrink to be safe. Coming home to yourself is the most sacred return you’ll ever make.